If you’re lonely and find yourself begging for attention by leaving negative and nasty comments on social media, you may be a troll. Please subscribe to my channel for some positivity. It will change your life.
A Jaded Message for My Haters + Trolls
Listen, I need for you to read this letter that I have carefully crafted as part of this free treatment program. Everything in it may not exactly apply to your situation, but most of it probably will. Some parts may piss you off but that’s by design. I will often remind you that you’re not getting this special attention (your intended goal) as a reward for your shitty behavior. I’m providing you with this attention to help you grow, improve your life, and learn to stop being so nasty to your fellow man.
Without further introduction, here we go…
I want to start off by saying thanks for watching my video and for taking the time to leave a comment. By the nature of your comment, most folks may possibly refer to you as a “hater” or a “troll”. I’m just going to call you “friend” for now.
The reason I have to do this is that you’re probably using a fake name or something crafty you think is sly, in an attempt to hide your true identity. I’m not going to address you as BIGBOSSMAN2BIGNUTS8493033321980, DragonSlayer1989999999BIGNUTS or whatever you’ve come up with, because I can’t type when I’m laughing.
It’s probable that your profile photo is that of your favorite actor or WWE wrestler. I’m sure your profile photo matches the posters you have hanging in your room or the basement where you reside. You probably have zero subscribers and no videos on your channel. Am I getting close?
Now, just because someone wants to remain anonymous and they don’t upload videos, there’s nothing negative in that. However, these folks leave constructive comments and are normal viewers. In your case, due to your behavior and the fact that you want to bash me here on my channel, it tends to indicate that you live a shitty life.
I know who you are and I want to help you.
That’s what my channel is about. I want to inspire folks like you to make a change in your life to where you actually enjoy it. If you are living a wonderful life, with a spouse or girlfriend who you love and enjoy spending time with, then why would you be wasting your precious time leaving nonsense comments on YouTube? Am I really that important to you?
The unfortunate answer is that you have nothing but time on your hands, you’re miserable, you’re all alone, and you enjoy imposing your misery on others for your own entertainment.
You are crying out, begging for attention. You are starved for attention. You are so desperate for attention in any form, that you plead with a total stranger to:
“Please notice me!”
Well, OK. I’ve noticed you.
Your desperate plea for help in the form of a negative comment has landed in the right place. I’m wise enough and old enough to recognize someone who’s hurting deep inside and struggling to face everyday life. You are scared of any type of criticism. You’re having trouble dealing with rejection from the ladies. I understand. Please let me help you. It would certainly be my honor to do so.
Here’s what I want you to do: I want you to subscribe to my channel and watch every video I publish from start to finish. Listen to my words carefully. At first, you will continue to leave negativity and lash out like a wounded tiger. That’s perfectly ok with me. Don’t hold back any of your true feelings. I’ll take the abuse because in the long run, you’ll start to evolve. It may take a year or two, but at some point, my words will begin to resonate in your mind. You’ll feel like you’re listening to a finely-tuned acoustic guitar.
You will look back at all of the bullshit you’ve written on people’s channels (good people who put in a lot of time to make free videos for your entertainment), and guilt will take over. Your next move will be to delete your channel and disappear. I say don’t bother. Let’s allow others to learn and benefit by observing your transformation from “troll” & “hater”, to becoming a friend, to possibly me being able to address you by your real name. One day, you WILL be able to leave valuable comments, constructive criticism, and join others in friendly conversation online.
I have confidence in you.
Anytime you have a bad day and need a friend to vent to, just start typing. You won’t hurt my feelings. I’m always here for you. But, if you continue to post bullshit, you’ll get this letter to remind you to try and be nice. Once I feel you are making the slightest bit of progress, I’ll send you a personal message. Until then, one of my helpers will copy and paste this for you.
… Oh, one more thing.
To be honest, I need you here on my channel. I can’t make it to the top without you. Every time you click on one of my videos, I get credit for a view. That makes me happy and I don’t even have to lift a finger. It costs you time, a little bit of thought, and you have to burn a few calories to click that mouse or track pad.
You get your blood pressure and heart rate elevated while listening to me talk. Again, it costs you energy. I don’t even know you’re here and continue to enjoy my beer.
Then, you take the time to locate the thumbs down button, click it, and smile that sneaky little smile you have.
You are thinking:
“I’ll fix this guy and tank his video by giving it a big thumbs down! That will get his attention.”
Well, I want to thank you for that, too.
You see, everything you do here on this channel indicates an interaction. The Google algorithm loves interaction because it means time. Whether you realize it or not, you’re subliminally staring at advertising while conducting troll warfare, clicking that thumbs down button, and posting hateful commentary. Advertising means money. The more time you spend here the more advertising you’re exposed to.
And last but not least, THANK YOU for the nasty comments!!! Holy shit, my friend. Every character you type on here is an interaction as well. It tells Google that I’m entertaining you and you just can’t get enough of my content. The more you type, the more Google thinks I’m popular. Please type as much as you can without cramping up your fingers or getting a blister. You’re helping me get bumped up to the first page.
I hate to break it to you, but haters and trolls work for creators (interesting people) like me. You’re the lowest paid employee I have because you work for free. I could never get an intern to work as hard as you. Plus, I don’t have to issue you a laptop. You’re quite content using your own equipment, electricity, and Internet. You show up to work every day (telecommute) and don’t ask me for free health insurance.
Personally, I’ll take one troll or hater over ten interns or paid employees because I get a much better return on investment. You invest your time & money and I get free labor.
If you have any friends or colleagues there in your basement or next door to your parent’s house, please have them subscribe as well.
Here’s one more lesson for you that I learned as a child. This may come off as a little bit redneck, but you obviously need some hard life lessons.
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
That means, if someone takes the time to give you something for free, don’t criticize it. Don’t question it. Be thankful for it because it’s free, motherfucker!
That concept has went out the window due to this invention called the Internet. The web has empowered shit heads like you to have a voice, anonymously. You erroneously feel that your opinion is so important, so powerful, and you truly believe people care about your hateful words.
May I let you in on a little secret?
NOBODY gives a fuck about your negativity.
You’re merely the King’s jester. You’re someone for others to laugh at and make fun of. In this forum, I’m the King. You’re the jester doing tricks for my audience. You are welcome here on my channel because your comments equal free, cheap, shallow entertainment for my viewers.
Just subscribe and let me help you make a change in your life for the better. If you’ve read this far, you’re taking your treatment seriously and I’m proud of you.