≡ Menu – Mark Blackard
in Philosophy

If you quit drinking, watch out for the burning bush

Are you an alcoholic or just plain crazy? If you quit drinking, watch out for the burning bush.

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I’ve always been a drinker. I don’t apologize for that. It’s my life and I’ll live it the way I see fit.

However, many have accused me of being an alcoholic. They blame “alcoholism” for my misadventures and my far-from-normal exploits. How else could you explain my behavior? Maybe I’m just plain crazy.

I decided to get to the bottom of this mystery so I just quit, right then and there—cold turkey. I figured that a two-week hiatus would be sufficient enough to solve the riddle.

Would I be able to pull it off?

I wasn’t sure what the effects would be, physically. I’ve been partying like a rock star for around three years now. My body is used to its daily dose of the nectar of the gods.

What happened?

Not much, initially.

The second day, I got a headache that wouldn’t go away. I never get headaches.

The fourth night, something interesting did happen.

I was awakened and immediately sat up in my bed. I gasped for air.

In the corner of the darkened room was a slow-turning tornado of orange flames, from the floor to the ceiling, about five feet in diameter. I thought I was dreaming, until I said out loud:

“Damn, I’m not dreaming. That’s a f***ing burning bush. Holy shit, I’m hallucinating.”

It was so real that I just sat there and stared at it. It didn’t scare me, inspire me, or make me believe it was a message from Jesus. It was just a beautiful work of art in living color.

The damn thing wouldn’t go away. After about five minutes, I went to the bathroom, took a piss, and splashed some water on my face. When I got back, it was gone. I just laughed.

Was it a sign? Hell yeah, it was a sign. It was a sign that said I needed a rum and coke with a lime.

After about a week, the headaches went away. The second week was unremarkably boring. It seems that I’m nowhere near being an alcoholic.

The funny thing was that I didn’t crave alcohol like I was addicted to crack. I merely grabbed a Gatorade or some juice when I hit the convenience store and didn’t really pay attention to the beer shelves.

The conclusion? I like to drink but thankfully, it doesn’t rule me. I’m very much in control. I guess I’m just a bit crazy.

The burning bush? Pure, subliminal comedy, considering my stance on religion.

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